mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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