I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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