Your face is a jimmy john
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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