now i know why i became what i already was.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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