I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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