We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
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he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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