My nipple is on Facebook.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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