Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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