I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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