I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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