Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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