Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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