Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize