Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
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The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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