Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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