im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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