i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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