Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize