I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
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I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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