sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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