You just made me feel so damn special
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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