Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize