And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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