i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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