You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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