Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am midnight drunk by noon
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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