I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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