Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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