Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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