We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
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So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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