The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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