Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
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you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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