if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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