im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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