Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
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He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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