I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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