Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize