I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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