Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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