She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I touched a dick in church today
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize