We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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