this beer tastes like vomit already
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
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I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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