Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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