what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
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I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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