Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
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Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
false alarm, still single
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