I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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