I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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