So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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