i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
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Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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