Porn is love you can see.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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